I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
