Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
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College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
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Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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