Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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