I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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