Who did Billy Mays play for?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
