so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
