why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
