i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
