omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
