If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
