We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
