you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
