party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
