woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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