we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
