just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
