my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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