I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
