So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
