just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
