I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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