yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.