If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.