There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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