I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
