One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
