He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
