I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
