One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
