dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
