did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
