I wanna bring you to show and tell
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
