do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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