I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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