Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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