he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
