That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
