....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
