I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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