Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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