1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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