went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
