Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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