I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm having to shit out rocks
Come on in and take your pants off
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