you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
