you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
