I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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