god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
