sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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