I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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