Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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