put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
