Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
