today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
