Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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