babies were throwing up all over the place
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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