I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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