Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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