non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
