I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
