I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
