dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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